THE LETTER:

This is dedicated to everyone who has lost a lover. All the words you wished you had the opportunity to say. I hope this helps you let them go. 

Dear lost love,

It is with deep regret I write this, though I know it is too late but I just want to unburden myself from the guilt I feel inside. I know we had it rough and I promised to treat you right, sometimes the bad times overshadowed the good. In the end relationships can be such a pain especially when you do not seem to understand what is going on, if you are the reason for the mishap and if you can help deal with the situation by sacrificing more. I tried to love you in the best way I knew how to but I always fell short because the feeling was overwhelming and I just could not express it well enough.

I had to lose you in order for me to understand what I did wrong, I still cannot forget the day you walked away, it felt like the best part of me was taken. I missed you so much. Each time I closed my eyes I saw visions of you. I never thought you would leave me, I never thought it would end the way it did, leaving me empty and drained, I never thought you would make me laugh or smile. My feelings were very much alive and they became stronger with each passing day that I missed you. Every night and day I prayed that I would be that one person you have in your life for always, losing you has been the hardest thing I would ever have to deal with, I often wondered what the essence of falling in love was, if at the end you end up feeling miserable, depressed and frustrated. My heart did beat for you and all my thoughts were of you though I had a strange way of showing it.  The idea of you been happy with someone else always left a landmine of heartaches; like that someone else could have being me. I loved you a great deal and even now that I find myself having a lot of “what if’s”. I tried not to picture me without you, the love we shared together that made us strong, facing every challenge life threw at us. Regrets and mistakes that I made became my daily companion; if I were a better version of myself would it make you stay? If I became the idea you had about me would it change your feelings towards me now? Would you care more to know I was doing everything in power to make you happy? If I told you more how much I loved you, would we still be together? 

There was a time when you believed in us, so why couldn’t we make it through this; the process of losing you completely, I was supposed to be your back bone, I was supposed to protect you but some days I was so caught up with my own issues I left you exposed to deal with whatever it was yourself. 

Wanting more than what I had made me lose out on the best things you had to offer, constant comparisons with the people I had in my past life without realising how much damage I was doing to your self esteem made it easy for you to pull away from me. 

I prayed for you more than I prayed for myself, I carried you in my spirit so I never went a day without you in my life. I just wished I showed you how much I really cared. The pain you feel from loving alone can sometimes make the heart bleed, and sometimes I made you feel that way. I wish I could go back in time to when everything about you and me mattered then all this pain I feel inside wouldn’t be there and I could save whatever we once shared. So many thoughts keep running through my mind, what if saving us or what we had is not necessary, what if we were just supposed to be together for a short while, what if you were never mine. I died in your arms the first time I kissed your lips, died in your arms when you held me close and you told me how much you loved me, died in your arms when… I died so many times that I felt more alive every time it happened.

They say if you can take the pain of a broken heart then you should let the person you are in love with go, what I didn’t get was: how was I supposed to do that when somewhere in my heart, you mattered. They say love is the slowest form of suicide and slowly I found myself dying without you. I tried burning every picture of "us", stopped playing all the songs that reminded me of you and yet I still wanted you even more then I met someone new, different in a good way. At first, it took awhile to open up because in my head and heart I secretly wished you would still come back to me. I had grown up, a little wiser, more matured and emotionally stable. I wanted you to see the new me and experience the kind of love you always wanted. I did not want to share this new me with someone else because I felt I owed you that much but the memory of the moments we shared kept hunting me and I had to let go, I had to let you go. I was scared to start something new with a stranger, the fear of losing them due to my much complicated yet very confused personas, the idea of breaking my walls, making them my everything and been left with nothing if and when they eventually leave but love and relationship is a risk, you are never really sure of what you might be getting yourself into but you are willing to place you heart and emotions in the hands of the only person that can squeeze the life out of it and hope they don’t. I was wiling to go through that because sometimes all you really need is to start afresh and work your way to the top. In order for me to move on, I had to let go of you and everything I held on to. They say true forgiveness starts in you first then on to others. No sharing of blames, no regrets and no resentment. I needed to give someone else a chance to make me happy, I needed to make them happy as well, I have and I treasure every moment of this new found happiness. You made me become a better person. I had to lose you to painfully realise that I could indeed become a better person at loving someone else other than myself and expressing myself with words, gestures and actions.

It’s been few weeks, few months

Happiness has found its way back into my life. I wish you well always.