Sunday, 14 October 2012


The year was 2010, school work had completely taken over my social life. No friends just colleagues and suffice to say, living a boring life had become more acceptable. It was like the only choice, infact it was my only choice. Acceptance!! Wake up, live a boring life through out the day, hit the sheets at night as a boring guy, have boring dreams and start the boring day afresh again, the next day. 
During a late night session in the school library, a colleague and dear friend suggested we take a road trip to "Reading". Road trip? What happened to trains? It is just half an hour via train, so!!!! Somehow he confused me and then convinced me about the road trip and I was game. It was supposed to be roughly an hour by road but we eventually spent 4hours. We left London late, during rush hour. He was driving, he had his girlfriend at the passenger seat in front and me, I was at the back. 3 is a crowd like they always say but obviously when it comes to mad raves, the more the merrier. We were hitting Reading to party like rockstars. And yes, as a boring guy, I had no date. We somehow believe "there shall be a single girl at the rave to peruzz with".
About 45mins away from Reading, it was dark and the journey just seemed long. I needed to pee. Oh did I mention, we had 3 cocktail flask in the car that had concoction in them. Every guys knows the power of ether and urine. Bloody enemies. I politely asked my dear friend to stop the car, a brother had to pee. He refused, giving a crazy excuse. I figured the dude was scared because it was dark, he didn't want to spook his girlfriend out.
I couldn't hold it in, I needed to pee badly to which he went off on me, if I needed to pee that bad, I should pee in any empty flask. He was not stopping at all.
Some people do not undertsand the power of piss, I was already twitching, full body shaking like I was doing a new dance move, my toes were curling. This was it, the end of my life. And if they ask, how did it happen.. He passed out from holding his own piss. My bladder!! So I took the only option offered to me. I took a piss in the cocktail flask, I didn't check If it was empty or not. I didn't say a word in the car. I just emptied what I can only assume to be 50cl of pure concentrated man piss inside the cocktail flask. Ohhh sweet paradise, the joy, peace, serenity. The burden was lifted. We finally got to Reading and I did not tell him what I did or anyone. I planned on throwing the piss away but I forgot. Later that night, whilst in the company of other friends sharing stories and getting ready for the party. My friend decided it was time to finish his cocktail. 3 flask and I did not know which one had my concentrated man piss inside. So he took one of the flask, opened it (just so you know, everything at this point happened in slow motion). Poured the contents into a cup and drank it all, I was wishing it was indeed the cocktail. He made facial gestures and finally boasted on making the best cocktail. I was relieved, it wasn't my piss. He beckoned on the other friends to try it, 2 dudes and 2 girls drank from the cocktail flask, not too much but enough for everyone to have a sip except me. I opted out. When the cocktail flask he was holding was empty, he proceeded to open the remaining two. Lo and behold, they were empty. They all drank my piss. 3 grown ass men and 2 beautiful girls drank my piss.
Moral of the story, never leave London during rush hour. Traffic is mad that period.

Sunday, 7 October 2012


A lot of boys would never admit to this, they still want to act macho to save face, so on behalf of the boys around the world that got played by a girl, sorry got beaten up by a girl. This is dedicated to you. Maybe different situations but the end result is still the same. I was physically abused by a girl.
This happened summer 2008, still a freshie. On the "I don't get to shit" grind. Omo butty boy. I met a girl from IUO. Had a borrowed flower name... "Lilly". I figured she was ok, skin glowed under the sun. Oral english on point. She was the definition of a hottie. Jackpot, I kept telling myself. So we had this summer fling that lasted for 4days and on the 4th day, I discovered how much of a fighter she was.
No matter what you do as a dude, never ever settle two girls fighting. It is not hot in any form. There is nothing sexy about it. The dangerous girls to watch out for are the short beautiful girls. They are walking canons. Back to my story, we were having drinks at sage (hotel/bar). Everything was going great, till another girl walked by, stopped, gave "lilly" the look.
Let me define the look, according to girls, they say the look can be seen as "I shall fuck every dude in your family and you can't do shit about it bitch" "who the fuck are you, I can probably feed you and your family for a year" and some other ridiculous definitions I shall not bore you with.
So this girl gives "lilly" the look and walks away. Lilly laughs out loud, whilst holding on to my hand real tight, I should add that, the bone that gives my left hand formation suffered minor fracture. In my head, I was like.. Shii is about to go down. With hot tears by the corner of my eyes. I didn't even realise when I called "Lilly" aunty.. Can I be excused? She then gave me the look.
The look as defined by a dude "if you leave, your balls would suffer" "dare walk away and no sex for you for a year" "I would cock tease you and then fall asleep leaving you with a hard on" or "whatever you decide to do, think about it carefully, this may be the last time you ever get to make such decision again because in the end, I still own your likkle ass, bitch." Jokes apart, you actually hear the word bitch in your head. Anyways, she gave me the look but a nicca had to hit the rest room real quick to escape all the tension and lament to the bathroom mirror on the already fractured bone, I was going to drop her home and never call her again. I was gone for 5mins when I heard a loud bang on the bathroom door. I came out, saw the bar man, he said "the lady you were with, has been asked to leave the bar" she is outside waiting for you. I did not even bother asking why. I paid the bill and walked out to meet her. Making my way to where I parked my car, I could see two girls going at it, screaming really loud. Words like "weyrey" "oloshi" "ode ni". I was astonished, ah what happened to my sweet Lilly, now a yoruba speaking warrior?? Did I mention Lilly was wearing this low cut top (I don't know the name girls call it) and something else I can only describe to be a jacket and the other girl had another shirt like material thing on. Oh well, in my head, I was like dude go separate them before it gets worse. Mind you, these girls were heavily equipped with mammary gland goodness. Perfect cue to be the perfect judge. The plan was to jump into the middle and end it all, maybe just maybe hold on to something soft for support.
All I can remember was stepping in, blanking out and 30mins waking up with a pounding headache.
I lost 30minutes of the fight that till date I don't even know why it started in the first place.
According to an eye witness (the bar man). Who followed me to make sure I got the girls to stop fighting after I paid the bill, he said and I quote "you got in to settle them and then the girl you were with got a bottle and then smashed your head with it" you fell to the ground chanting "Lilly why? Lilly why?" And then passed out and inbetween they stepped on you whilst still fighting. Got tired and then they made up!! The girl you were with got into the other girls car and they drove off.
I don't know how Lilly got a bottle, or do girls carry bottles in their bags?
Suffice to say, the girls disappeared and left me there on the floor.
I have been looking for Lilly since, because in my place of origin. If an elder falls to the ground because of you, a cow must be killed. I need my killed cow. Times are hard and for some reason I have been craving suya. Lilly, if you are reading this. You owe me a cow.
Moral of the story, if you see two fine girls fighting, please don't play the hero and separate them. Watch from a distance. If possible, buy pop corn, coke, get a chair, call other friends over and enjoy the show.