I can almost feel my heart break into pieces bits by bits, slowly and the pain is excruciating. I don’t know how to deal with this; I thought I was over losing people I care about. How do I go about this? My heart is aching; I can’t seem to shake this feeling off.
Today started like every other day, the battle with insomnia, 5am already, trying every trick in the book so I can fall asleep.
I hear my phone ring, I let it ring some more, missed the call and then called back when I saw who the caller was. I felt guilty about not calling in the past few weeks. I had this sudden urge to not care anymore about anyone but myself. I just wanted to be selfish for a bit, it was a new year; I just wanted to do me. I felt like I devoted myself a lot to too many people, I felt drained. So I ignored a lot of people I cared about especially this caller. I just couldn’t care anymore about keeping in touch. I had reached my breaking point.
I had this in my head and I ran with it, this was going to be my excuse. I needed time for myself. I finally hear a voice at the other end. In the coldest tone I asked all the random questions. To which she replied but there was something different in her voice. She sounded strange; I assumed it was a ploy to make me feel bad. Always on the defensive I laid out my case, trying to play smart and shift blames. “Where have you been? I know you tried to reach me many times but I was so busy dealing with other things…” I tried to make her feel bad and after going on and on about how I abandoned I felt, when I was done. All she said was “dude I am dying’.
I still can’t believe it, not another person I care about. All this while I was so selfish, thinking just about myself. My closest friend. In pains. She was diagnosed with a terminal illness and she has less than 2 weeks to live. I suddenly remembered the times i acted cold on the phone, some days I avoided her calls because I was so stressed out from other activities of the day. And now I am about to lose her.
I don’t know how to deal with this at all. It took me over two years to deal with losing my buddy whilst serving in Kano and now I am about to go through this again. Fucking ridiculous. Fucking ridiculous. I haven’t seen her in 3years. I can’t even express how my heart feels right now. I am in so much pain. Not again, not this time. I feel like shit right now. I might not recover from this. If it were possible to drop everything I am doing now, buy my ticket to Nigeria and stay by her side, I would do that. It just hurts to the point that I can feel physical pain where my heart is.
I begged her not to leave me, I asked her to stay. Wait a bit; she can’t just go like that. This is painful but it can’t be compared to the pain she is feeling now.
Flashbacks of memories and moments passed, Watching videos of her posted on my Facebook wall, I am not ready to say goodbye just yet. I can’t say goodbye. I don’t want to say goodbye.
I don’t know how to control how I am feeling; I just can’t lose her now. Not like this.
I wish she could stay.