Sunday, 24 February 2013

MEMOIR



I can almost feel my heart break into pieces bits by bits, slowly and the pain is excruciating. I don’t know how to deal with this; I thought I was over losing people I care about. How do I go about this?  My heart is aching; I can’t seem to shake this feeling off.
Today started like every other day, the battle with insomnia, 5am already, trying every trick in the book so I can fall asleep.
I hear my phone ring, I let it ring some more, missed the call and then called back when I saw who the caller was. I felt guilty about not calling in the past few weeks. I had this sudden urge to not care anymore about anyone but myself. I just wanted to be selfish for a bit, it was a new year; I just wanted to do me. I felt like I devoted myself a lot to too many people, I felt drained. So I ignored a lot of people I cared about especially this caller. I just couldn’t care anymore about keeping in touch. I had reached my breaking point.
I had this in my head and I ran with it, this was going to be my excuse. I needed time for myself.  I finally hear a voice at the other end. In the coldest tone I asked all the random questions. To which she replied but there was something different in her voice. She sounded strange; I assumed it was a ploy to make me feel bad. Always on the defensive I laid out my case, trying to play smart and shift blames. “Where have you been? I know you tried to reach me many times but I was so busy dealing with other things…” I tried to make her feel bad and after going on and on about how I abandoned I felt, when I was done. All she said was “dude I am dying’.
I still can’t believe it, not another person I care about. All this while I was so selfish, thinking just about myself. My closest friend. In pains. She was diagnosed with a terminal illness and she has less than 2 weeks to live. I suddenly remembered the times i acted cold on the phone, some days I avoided her calls because I was so stressed out from other activities of the day. And now I am about to lose her.
I don’t know how to deal with this at all. It took me over two years to deal with losing my buddy whilst serving in Kano and now I am about to go through this again. Fucking ridiculous. Fucking ridiculous. I haven’t seen her in 3years. I can’t even express how my heart feels right now. I am in so much pain. Not again, not this time. I feel like shit right now. I might not recover from this. If it were possible to drop everything I am doing now, buy my ticket to Nigeria and stay by her side, I would do that. It just hurts to the point that I can feel physical pain where my heart is.
I begged her not to leave me, I asked her to stay. Wait a bit; she can’t just go like that. This is painful but it can’t be compared to the pain she is feeling now.
Flashbacks of memories and moments passed, Watching videos of her posted on my Facebook wall, I am not ready to say goodbye just yet. I can’t say goodbye. I don’t want to say goodbye.
I don’t know how to control how I am feeling; I just can’t lose her now.  Not like this.
I wish she could stay.

Monday, 4 February 2013

WHO KNEW


“We accept the love we think we deserve”… these words kept taunting me, in a flash I thought about everything I had to go through to keep my relationship alive with Hadiza. All my time, effort and resources could not save what I held dear to my heart, I was standing in my room, Hadiza did not even notice my presence, my hands shaking, my heart beating so fast, my knees were going to give out          as my eyes caught the view of clothes on the floor, music was playing so loud and I could see movement on the bed carefully masqueraded by the king-size duvet… Hadiza had brought a stranger to our bed….
It has been 1year and 4months since Hadiza saved me from myself. I had lived the life, wine and beautiful women, nothing could fill the void from the emptiness I felt within until I met Hadiza. She was perfect, way too perfect and I wanted to have her, she was brutal with me but that made me want her even more. She became my friend, best friend, my confidante, my lover and I was planning to make her my wife. We shared everything together, joy and pain. She was my safe haven and resting place. Hadiza was everything and more, made me a better version of myself, believed in me and that made me want to become the exact man she always wanted. For a long time, I believed I was. I deserved to be with her, I deserved her love, I deserved to have her in my life for always. Hadiza was perfect in every sense but she had only one flaw, she had a secret, something she said was buried in her past and she was not going to allow it affect our relationship now. As curious as I was, I decided to let it slide by not asking her what she did in the past. The future was all that mattered.
We created beautiful memories together, happy moments, the highlights of our day was seeing each other and just bitching about the day’s activities and this was all I had known for 1year but things started changing few weeks to our anniversary. Hadiza had became different, evasive, forever acting dodgy and it drove me mad but I was not going to act like a paranoid, jealous boyfriend just because she was acting weird, maybe an ex-boyfriend was in town or someone from her past but this was my chance to prove to her that I was confident in what we had.
1 year and 6 months, and I was so sure changing her title from miss to Mrs was the right thing to do even though we stopped having crazy passionate sex, stopped spending time together, every day was not going to be paradise on earth, the reality of a being in a relationship and I understood all I had to do was hold on to her even more
I started checking out rings in stores and online shops, and then I found the right one, “Lucida with diamond band” from Tiffany & co. It was perfect.
Everything was set in motion; I just had to make sure Hadiza would be home on the day I intended on proposing. Finally, it was the long awaited anniversary weekend. I told her I was going to be out all day with my friends so she could have the house all to herself, called few of our friends and we formed an alliance, we were going to surprise Hadiza at home. I always wanted to propose to Hadiza in the most insane way possible. So we had this crazy plan that we would go to my house, I would fake an argument and Hadiza would lose it, push her past her limits and just in that moment when she is about to spazz out, pop the question, all our friends would come out to say congrats. We timed everything and even rehearsed her taking her time to say yes. In my heart, I knew Hadiza would say yes to me. So I left my house that Saturday morning. I was gone for about 2 hours and then came home with my friends and hers as well. I unlocked the front the door and started calling her name the moment I walked in. no response and then the loud music began to echo from my bedroom. I decided to check it out. Walked into my room, the music was so loud, I noticed clothes on the floor, I could make out Hadiza’s moan even with the loud song playing, I froze up. She didn’t even notice I was in the room. Time passed, 18mins had elapsed and according to our time plan, Hadiza must have said yes by now, so few close friends came to my room. I didn’t even know anyone was behind me until I heard a loud voice scream Hadiza’s name. I turned around and saw 5 friends staring back at me. I made my way to where the speaker was connected and switched the home theatre system off. All hell broke loose, we could hear Hadiza moan louder.. Hadiza did not still realise there was anyone in the room except for her and whoever she was with. Without saying a word, I just stood there frozen. Waiting for what would surface when the duvet cover was pulled away. Hadiza apologised for the disruption of the song playing and attempted to get up and fix it. The duvet cover came off, Hadiza was naked on the bed and the other person was not man but her younger sister with a strap on. Hadiza was fucking her sister on our bed. I stood there with shame, holding the ring I got for her in my hand and our friends watched on in horror.