Its 12pm and my palms are sweaty, heart beat racing so fast, standing outside this huge wooden door. I want to go in but my legs refuse to move. I take out my phone and attempt to call you but I know you won’t answer me and suddenly just like a movie, flash back on our lives together is on cue.
With my hands still shaking I feel my lips move and all I could say was I love you; I can’t believe I am actually saying these words. I love you. My heart skips a lot of beats as I chant these words like a mantra. I love you and I couldn’t even stop myself from saying it. I love you. Wow. I really love you. My days and nights had no meaning if I didn’t include you in it. I fall asleep daydreaming about you and wake up in the morning smiling to myself, telling myself it’s a fresh day to love you all over again in a different way. The rush I get to check my phone, slowly unlocking it, with BBM notifications showing, how i take my time, savoring the moment with no rush. How i ignore other messages and skip to yours, I never understood why my heart beat drops whenever I open your messages, was it the way you typed “good morning dear” or the smiley faces after the message or your new pm that I assumed had something to do with me and how I crown it up by calling just to hear your voice, only then would my day officially start. Damn, I loved you.
The habit of talking to you till you max out my airtime then I realize “oh my gosh, I could have called you on Skype” instead. And we resume talking about nothing and everything. Your smiles, your laughter to my amazing yet horrible jokes, the way you called out my name whenever I teased you or said something silly, the way you stared at me while I tell you my stories, the gossips and gist we shared and exchanged, the reassurance, the emotional talk, the debates on who knows how to care more and with that I loved you even more.
How you knew the right time to call to talk to me, always spot on. The convo’s we had and how you try to cheer me up even when I was having a bad day by dissing who or what the situation was about. Wow, I loved you.
How we took goofy pictures and how we made silly videos and send voice notes saying the most ridiculous things ever, sing to each other… when we know we won’t even make the first round on American idol but we still cherished that moment like it meant everything. How we listened to new songs and their lyrics, randomly select songs we can both relate to and play it so much the singer stops singing and screams back at us to at least change the track geez, Lol. I loved you
Our pointless chat messages, the need to just say, “Hi babe, just wanted to check in on you” “what are you up to?” “You have another lover, hence the silence” “I miss you” “just thinking of you” all of that and a lot more silliness. I loved you
How I randomly hear someone else say out your name and just assume it is you they are talking about, surely more people bear the same name as you but I convinced myself it’s just you. I loved you
The few times I walked down the street or I was in an office, shop, cinema, mall and I perceive your favorite fragrance and then my brain automatically does a quick search faster than Google, I just assume you are close by. I loved you.
The late night conversation about the day’s activities, the tease, giggles, rants and finally how we randomly dose off on each other. I loved you
Now I am standing in front of a church, trying to convince myself I need to walk in now, for some reason I know you are looking and waiting for me. Do I want to go through this? Is this the best decision? I can just head back home. This is the happiest day of your life. I love you very much
I summon up courage and walk into the church, then I hear cheers, people are clapping. The guy next to me says wow people seem to be clapping for you. I couldn’t answer him so I just smiled. I love you.
As I get closer to you by making way through the crowd, I finally see the reason why people are clapping and going ecstatic, you are kissing someone else and the person isn’t me. It is your wedding day, I am not the groom. But I still love you.